Happy Thanksgiving and all the best

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This posting is from: Cynthia Phillips
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The following is taken from a minor humor classic entitled The
Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Bierce was a Civil War vet
turned journalist for the San Francisco Cronicle and various other
papers. He was an eccentric humorist who led a very interesting
life, which is reflected in his writing style and subject matter.
His style may prove a litttle uneasy to read and is typical of
the time he wrote it, but with some effort will prove worthwhile.
You can look his story up on Wikipedia.

The following is his take on Thanksgiving.

Happy holidays to you all.

Cynthia

Thanksgiving by Ambrose Bierce

There be those of us whose memories, though vexed with an
oyster-rake would not yield matter for gratitude, and whose
piety though strained with a sieve would leave no trace of an
object upon which to lavish thanks.

It is easy enough, with a waistcoat selected for the occasion,
to eat one's proportion of turkey and hide away one's allowance
of wine; and if this be returning thanks, why then gratitued is
considerably easier, and vastly more agreeable, than falling off
a log, and may be acquired in one easy lesson without a master.

But if more than this be required - if to be grateful means
anything beyond being glutonous, your true philosopher - he of
the severe brow upon which logic has stamped it eternal impress,
and from whose heart sentiment has been banished along with other
small vices - your true philosopher, say we, will think twice
before he "crooks the pregnant hinges of the knee" in humble
observance of the day.

For here is the nut of reason he is obliged to crack before he
can obtain the kernel of emotion proper to the day. Unless the
blessings we enjoy are favors from the Omnipotent, to be grateful
is to be absurd. If they are, then, also the ills which we are
afflicted have the same origin. Grant this, and you make an offset
of the latter against the former, or are driven either to the
ridiculous position that we must be equally grateful for both
evils and blessings, or the no less ridiculous one that all evils
are blessings in disguise.

But the truth is, my fine friend, your annual gratitude is
a sorry sham, a cloak, my good fellow, to cover your unhandsome
gluttony; and when by chance you do take to your knees, it is only
that you prefer to digest your bird in that position. We understand
your case accurately, and the hard sense we are poking is not a
preachment for your edification, but a bit of harmless fun for our
own diversion. For, look you !! there is really a subtle but potent
relation between the gratitude of the spirit and the stuffing of
the flesh.

We have ever taught the identity of Soul and Stomach; these are but
different names for one object considered under different aspects.
Thankfulness we believe to be a kind of ether evolved by the action
of the gastric fluid upon rich meats. Like all gases it ascends,
and so passes out of the oesophagus in prayer and psalmody. This
beautiful theory we have tested by convincing experiments in the
manner following:

Experiment 1st - A quantity of grass was placed in a large bladder,
and a gill of the gastric fluid of a sheep introduced. In ten minutes
the neck of the bladder emitted a contented bleat.

Experiment 2nd - A pound of beef was substituted for the grass,
and the fluid of a dog for that of the sheep. The result was a
cheerful bark, accompanied by an agitation of the bottom of the
bladder, as if it were attempting to wag an imaginary tail.

Experiment 3rd - The bladder was charged with a handful of chopped
turkey, and an ounce of human gastric juice obtained from the coroner.
At first, nothing but a deep sigh of satisfaction escaped from the
neck ofthe bladder, followed by an unmistakable grunt, similar to
that of a hog. Upon increasing the proportion of turkey, and confining
the gas, the bladder was very much distended, appearing to suffer
great uneasiness. The restriction being removed, the neck distinctly
articulated the words "Praise God from whom all blessings flow !!"
Against such demonstration as this any mere theological theorizing is
of no avail.

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(This posting was entered by Cynthia Phillips, an external user of MyDLV.)

[bobbiemlv]

HEAR, HEAR and a toast to you and Thanksgiving!!!!